Still falling
by totti10
Summary: News of the Holby helicopter crash travels fast and two people race instinctively to get to Iain's side. As her former lover fights for his life, can Rita stop herself getting caught up in the biggest lie of them all?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Set in the aftermath of the helicopter crash but a different subsequent storyline to that on the show. Those that know me won't be surprised to hear that Connie, Jacob and Grace won't feature much (along with numerous others they may get a mention in passing though!) And apologies if reading this chapter affects you in the same way it did me writing it. Nearly 2 years after Jeff's death and I was actually sobbing like a baby writing the reference to it below.**

 **Short chapter by my standards (sorry!) but i was so emotionally drained I decided to split my 1st chapter in 2...**

* * *

The cup hit the edge of the hearth and shattered. The blonde woman didn't register the noise of either the impact or the scattering of the thousand tiny pieces of china across the slate. Blood was rushing to her head, the pounding sensation like nothing she'd ever felt before. No. She had felt it. Only once. But this time she wasn't scared for her own life. She was scared for somebody else's. There was another sound coming from somewhere. High pitched and blood curdling. She felt her knees start to buckle beneath her and remembered she needed to breathe. The noise stopped and she realised it had been her own screams. She felt arms round her, catching her as she fell. Dixie. She clung to her friend. Shaking hands clutching at the fabric of the woman's t shirt. Desperately trying to hold on.

"Rita…? You're okay... I've got you sweetheart... Talk to me? Please? What's happened?" Her eyes scanned the room frantically for clues and then to whatever Rita had been watching on the TV. Her initial thought as she registered the carnage depicted by the images on the screen was that her friend had been freaked out by some sort of disaster movie. It wasn't making any sense. Slowly though, her brain registered the scrolling bars across the screen. The breaking news headlines. The five letters that had spelled home for so long. It was her turn for the colour to drain from her face.

She continued to hold her friend tightly, felt her rib cage heave as she struggled to get her breath, struggled to get the words out.

"There's a video... Charlie stopped them filming... it was Iain… Oh god Dixie I know it was Iain"

The older woman released her hold momentarily and fumbled to pick up the remote that Rita had also dropped to the floor, fingers shaking as she found the button to rewind back through the footage. She paused having seen the familiar face of the senior nurse appear on the screen. Rita looked up again and they both watched horrified as the story unfolded over Charlie's shoulder. A figure in paramedic green hauling themselves out of the smoking helicopter wreckage and sliding head first down the side of the stricken craft before landing in a crumpled, lifeless heap on the tarmac below. The noise that came from Rita as she saw the clip again literally turned Dixie's stomach. She helped her friend to the floor as her legs fully gave way beneath her, her instinct simply to rock the sobbing younger woman in her arms as she strained to see what happened next. She swore in frustration as Charlie's face blocked out everything behind him and the voice they both knew so well demanded that the owner of the phone ceased filming.

Pausing at the end of the amateur video, Dixie was just about to turn her full attention back to her house guest when something made her stop. The final image that the voyeur's phone had captured as it pointed to the floor. A piece of twisted yellow and black twisted metal that had skidded to rest next to the cameraman's feet, now captured on the frozen screen. Dixie tilted her head to read the plate and felt her vision start to swim. _Y377 PWT_. She squeezed her eyes shut but it did nothing to block out the images that were invading her thoughts. _Y377 PWT_. The registration of a vehicle she'd spent more time in than any car she'd ever owned. A vehicle in which she'd experienced more happiness and sadness than most did in an entire lifetime. The vehicle she'd driven alongside her husband for all those years. The one she'd stubbornly returned to the hospital alone the day he didn't come back. The vehicle she'd subsequently occupied in body only as a new partner tried to get through to her, tried to help her cope. Shutting him out. Fighting him. Pushing him away. Not realising what it would come to mean to her that he still came back. That he tried again. Broke down her defences brick by brick. Became her best friend. It was in that vehicle that he taught her she could laugh again. And boy did they laugh. The vehicle that she should have used as a space for conversations he would later also find hard. Helped him not to run scared from a love that he deserved but had no experience of receiving. It was only these last few weeks that she realised how much she'd failed him in that respect. Ignored his chance at happiness in pursuit of her own. And now? What of him now? Was it even too late to make amends? She snapped from her thoughts and inhaled deeply to try and find a strength from somewhere. Rita needed her now too and there was no way this was happening again. No way.

"Right darling" she spoke softly but firmly to the top of the blonde head that was buried in her chest, trying desperately to keep the quiver out of her voice. "We are absolutely no use here. That picnic tea we just made for the beach? Scrap that. We need it for where we're going. Do you think you can get a bag of stuff together?" Rita looked up at her, cheeks streaked with tears, brown eyes filled with fear, pain, confusion and Dixie thought again.

"Oh sweetheart I know..." she bit her lip to stop her own tears from falling, squeezing Rita's hand in an attempt at reassurance. "I know. Come on we'll do it together. Get our bags, get in the car. We'll be there in under three hours. We can call them on the way"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks so much for your lovely reviews on my last chapter. So sorry it's taken so long to update but life kinda got in the way. This chapter was hard to write (I cried a couple of times ngl) and only having short spells here and there in which to write didn't help. It's mainly background really - I can't believe it got to nearly 3000 words though! Hope it's still enjoyable to read. Let me know! The next couple of chapters will really move the story on I promise. Bizarrely I've already written quite a bit of chapter 4!**

 **headchantal / Shaz1 / Is-there-somewhere-x / CharieK / Guest - thanks for your reviews and encouragement to keep writing**

 **twighlightwonderer - glad you liked it! I think it's the description that means it takes me so long to write at times! I have this vision in my head of what I want to get across to the readers and i don't stop until I think I've managed it. Hopefully this chapter will be right up your street!**

 **Randomgurl / corriemad2002 - glad I'm providing something you felt was missing from the show! Exactly what I wanted to do for myself too! ;) Thanks for your encouragement**

 **Tanith Panic - I'm sure you know exactly what it's like when your favourite has left and you're desperate to know how they would have reacted to subsequent events. They are obviously still at large in fictional world and would get to hear of these things so... (I guess it's similar to wondering how Lofty would have reacted to news of Dylan being involved with the care of his baby half sister?) It would only have been a week or so since Rita left so I wanted to explore where she would have been and how she would have found out. So much the better that I could involve another departed favourite. Thanks for your positive words and encouragement**

 **earthling1970 - wow. your review blew me away it was so eloquent and detailed. Thank you! You're obviously another one who believes Rita and Iain belong together. I'm afraid they will both have very different fights on their hands before there's any chance that that can happen here...**

 **Milly and Amy on Tumblr - glad you loved it sorry to kill you both. Ooops...**

 **Please keep the reviews coming they are such a boost and such a rewarding part of writing fics for me. Thank you! XxX**

* * *

Less than twenty minutes later the women were in Rita's dark blue mini, travelling East up the A30 in the direction of Holby.

Rita had barely spoken since they'd been in the lounge together. Huddled on her bed, arms wrapped tight around her knees, she'd merely nodded her head as Dixie held up toiletries, clean clothes, underwear, PJ's. Swiftly packing bags that would see the pair of them comfortable for however many nights it took. Neither woman willing to contemplate what the 'it' was.

Dixie had had a similar response when she suggested it was her that should drive Rita's car. It was more of a statement than a question anyway. The younger woman still looking too shaken and the car Dixie shared with Jess already in use on a trip out with Olivia.

A quick note to Jess for the kitchen table and the women had loaded themselves and their bags into the car, Dixie announcing that phone calls could wait until they were on the move.

In the silence that descended again in the car both women rued not taking the chance to chat before now. Before the events unfolding on the news had changed the landscape so massively.

Dixie recalled the phone call she'd received just over a week ago.

* * *

"Dixie, hi! How's it going?" Rita had sung down the initial greeting down line as breezily as she could muster.

"Rita! Darlin', nice surprise! How are things with you?"

"Erm…" A long pause. "Not good" She barely got the two words out as her voice cracked and faltered. Rita couldn't believe it. She didn't cry in front of people. Not if she could help it. It wasn't her style. She'd learned the hard way with Mark that it showed weakness and she'd taught herself to hide it. She had thought she'd be able to keep it together for this conversation and she'd not even managed two sentences.

"Rita…?" Dixie's concerned voice broke the silence as Rita gulped and blew out a breath slowly to steady herself.

"Erm… Yeah I was just wondering if you fancied having a visitor for a bit?" She braced herself for the response, the excuses. It only just occurring to her that Iain may well have spoken to her first. And that she didn't actually have a backup plan if her former colleague couldn't accommodate her.

"Seriously? Of course! Can you get here tomorrow?! Ha ha if only it was that simple to book holiday eh? It's just I'm between jobs at the moment so I've a load of free time. God we'll have to stock up if that northern lump is coming down, he's like a human dustbin isn't he? You can give him a kick from me and tell him to return my texts and…" Dixie tailed off mid sentence suddenly realising that Rita hadn't actually said 'visitors' plural.

Another deep breath and Rita responded.

"Okay so it would… erm... it would just be me. And I...err, I _could_ actually be there tomorrow. Unless you were joking of course? I don't need to book holiday. I'm - well I guess I'm between jobs too… " Rita grimaced down the phone. This had been a bad idea. She wasn't ready for any questions. "Look I'll understand if it's a no. I don't want to put you in an awkward position with Iain…"

"Oh sweetheart, what's happened? Sorry, you don't have to answer that now. And don't be daft, of course you can come. As soon as you need. We've got a little annexe for visitors so it'll be fine with the girls too don't worry. You just get yourself here safely okay? Stay as long as you want."

"Oh Dixie thank you!" Rita had exhaled with relief. "I just really need to get away for a bit. It's a long story. Maybe over a few G&Ts hey?"

"I'll hold you to that kiddo!"

A few more minutes spent organising the logistics and it was all arranged. Dixie ended the call and sighed. Whatever it was it sounded messy. A mess involving two of her closest friends and one that she'd been completely oblivious to. She tried to banish the thought from her head that she had been deliberately so. Rita had been there for her in the past when it mattered. A concerned call to Charlie later and it hit home just how much her friend might need her now too.

Dixie had had the conversation with Jess as soon as she got in from work.

"So Iain Dean's a heartbreaker? Didn't see that one coming" Jess had muttered sarcastically at her girlfriend's opening couple of lines about Rita's situation. She'd held her hands up and allowed Dixie to continue knowing it pained the older women that she hadn't hit it off better with her best friend while they were in Holby.

"Oh god I can't even imagine" Jess's hands had shot to her mouth when Dixie summarised what she knew of Rita's past with Mark and what, courtesy of Charlie, she now knew of the horrific day in the ED Rita had suffered when he and his pregnant young girlfriend had been brought in. Adding to that what she knew of Rita's public shaming following her and Iain's break up and Jess was round at her partner's side.

"I knew he'd mess her around. I'll bloody kill him if he's to blame for any of this" Dixie sighed as Jess's arm snaked around her waist.

"Probably best to wait til you've heard the full story before there's any killing done love?" Jess teased gently. Dixie raised an eyebrow, impressed that her girlfriend was giving Iain the benefit of the doubt, however briefly. "I always thought he was punching above his weight with her if I'm honest" she finished before adding "Rita is welcome to stay as long as she needs to"

"Rita's coming to stay?!" chimed up Olivia as she skipped into the room. "As in my favourite nurse Rita? Does that mean Iain is coming too? He's so funny. They are totally my favourite grown ups left in Holby" she enthused.

"Rita is coming yes" said Dixie softly, wrapping her arm around the young girl's shoulders "you might need to help me cheer her up a bit though. Iain won't be coming with her, they aren't together any more. It's complicated" she finished as the little girl's brow furrowed in confusion.

Olivia sighed "Adults always say that when they are being silly and just need to sort things out" she announced before heading out to the garden.

Rita had arrived the next day and Dixie did well to hide her shock at how shattered the younger woman looked. She wasn't used to seeing her friend without the makeup and neat hair that had become her standard at work but it was more than that. Rita looked like she hadn't had a good night's sleep in ages and as Dixie pulled her into a hug she worried that she'd lost weight too. Fighting back the tears, Dixie vowed that if nothing else Rita would leave them rested, well fed and with the glow that only the sea air could help bring to your cheeks.

That air had got to work quicker than she thought. When Dixie had brought Rita a cup of tea having shown her to the garden annexe and left her to unpack, she'd found the blonde woman already curled up asleep on the bed. She smiled sadly as she set down the mug, gently removing Rita's converse trainers and draping a blanket over her small frame.

"You'll get through this kid I promise" she whispered softly before planting a kiss to her forehead, drawing the curtains and retreating from the room, leaving her guest to the nap she so obviously needed.

It was 10 o'clock the next morning when Jess and Dixie finally relented to let a desperate Olivia check in on their visitor. The ten year old walked carefully down the path balancing a tray in front of her, setting it down temporarily so she could knock on the patio door. A few moments passed before a sleepy Rita stumbled to answer, still wearing the leggings and baggy hoody she'd driven down in, blonde hair fluffed up around her face. She broke into a smile as she saw Olivia proffering coffee and toast and welcomed her into the room.

"Hey Rita, mum and Dixie said I had to let you have a lie in but you've slept for like 100 years now so I thought you'd be starving" Olivia grinned a toothy smile in Rita's direction as she put the tray down on the bedside table.

"Well aren't you a sweetheart?" Rita rubbed her eyes as she continued to try and orientate herself. "It's Monday already then?" she queried, unable to believe she'd slept since the previous afternoon "hey sorry to crash your summer holidays"

"It's fine. I love having people here. Gives me a chance to practice my baking. And given how much you looked after me and mum in hospital I think you get an extra big cake really" she smiled shyly at the nurse who was clambering back onto her bed tucking her legs underneath her. Rita patted the duvet for Olivia to join her and the young girl hopped up beside her.

"I'm sorry you and Iain aren't going out any more by the way. I really liked him" Olivia commented softly, catching Rita slightly off guard.

"Umm…I really liked him too. It just turned out he didn't really like me I guess?" Rita shrugged.

"Well I think he's stupid then! Either that or you do know that boys do stupid things when they like girls don't you?"

Rita allowed herself a small laugh "Is that what it is? I'm afraid I did some pretty stupid things too" she said the smile dropping from her face as the painful memories infiltrated her thoughts once more. Olivia seemed not to register her reply, already deep in thought about something else.

"Rita…? You know when I was in hospital that last time? You knew didn't you?"

"Knew what poppet?"

"You knew without me saying that I was scared of Nikki, you kept her away from us so that you could all help me and mum. Did someone make you scared before? Is that how you knew?" Olivia's upturned face was now scrutinising Rita's, spotting the slight gulp before the woman replied.

"Oh gosh that's a question isn't it? But yes… yes they did seeing as you asked" Rita smiled sadly "Not Iain though" she added quickly, keen that the girl didn't have any doubt. "And I'm not scared anymore"

"You're still sad though aren't you?" Olivia observed continuing to peer at Rita's face "My old school friends didn't really get how I could still be sad once we weren't living with Nikki anymore but… Well I guess you get it don't you?"

Rita inhaled shakily "Yes. Yes I do sweetheart" her voice was barely a whisper. Not trusting herself to speak anymore she simply held her arms out to Olivia who snuggled into her side. Rita kissed the top of her head. She chewed her lip and squeezed her eyes tight shut trying desperately to banish thoughts of how differently she'd thought her life would pan out. How she could have been hugging her own daughter now. She took a deep breath. "So tell me. How did you get so wise? Your mum and Dixie must be so proud of you" she said, rubbing the girl's shoulder gently as she spoke.

"Dixie and my mum have been brilliant. There's a lady I talk to at my new school too. She helps. You know, Dixie is really good for talking to Rita. She also taught me to do this…". Olivia pulled far enough away from Rita to be able lift the hood of the woman's top up into her head. "I dunno why but it helps somehow. Ha! you look like a pixie!"

Dixie's head appeared around the door just in time to see Olivia positioning Rita's hood and she hesitated briefly, fully aware of its probable significance.

"So who fancies hitting the beach this morning?" She questioned brightly, smiling as the pair turned towards her.

Looking down guiltily at her outfit of the last 24 hours, Rita pushed her hood down and grabbed her coffee cup "Give me a sec for breakfast and a quick shower and I'll be right with you"

* * *

"Rita…?" Dixie's voice broke through her thoughts as she continued to stare out of the car window. "Did you want to try calling the ED?"

Rita had already tried a number of their former colleagues but had gone through to voicemail on every one. Charlie was the only one she'd left a message with. A stuttering account of what they'd seen on TV and the action they were now taking. With all the others she'd hung up, her head battling with the logical - them being understandably too busy to pick up - versus the emotional - that they were screening their calls from her. Or worse. That they couldn't face the bad news they'd have to pass on.

Hands shaking, Rita picked up the scrap of paper on which Dixie had scribbled the helpline number and tapped the digits into her phone. The line rang out for what seemed like a lifetime and Rita was about to give up when the call was answered by a familiar voice.

"Noel! It's Rita! God are you ok? Is everyone ok? Is Iain ok?" She gabbled. A pause. "Rita! Rita Freeman, Noel it's only been a couple of weeks. I…" Another pause while she listened to the man on the other end. Her shoulders slumped. "Noel I saw him on the news. I know he's in a bad way. Please!... Yes! I appreciate I'm unlikely to be his next of kin but… Noel please! I've got Dixie with me? We're driving to… Noel? NOEL?"

Rita screamed in frustration as she threw her phone into her lap. "He hung up on me" she said through gritted teeth, shaking her head. Dixie reached across and squeezed her hand.

"He's just doing his job darling, I know it's hard"

"It's not about him doing his job it's about me" Rita began meekly. "What they all thought of me. They are still punishing me. I tried to be a good colleague and friend to all of them and this is what I get in return?" Her voice got stronger and angrier as she continued. She jumped as her phone vibrated in her lap and she shot Dixie a terrified look as she clocked the caller ID.

"Charlie?" She tried to keep her voice steady as she answered the call "Can… can you tell us anything? We're so worried after seeing the news. We're on our way" her fingers shook as she fumbled to put Charlie on loud speaker. The veteran nurse's voice filled the car.

"Rita… I… Look I think you'd both better get here as soon as you can. I've got space if you need to stay so… I'm sorry… I've got to go..."

Silence filled the car once more as Rita's hand shot to her mouth and Dixie gripped the steering wheel even harder.

"Oh god what if he's…? I just need him to be okay, I..." Rita failed to keep the tears from falling again. She concentrated on taking big breaths to steady herself again. Her chest visibly heaving with the effort. Slightly calmer, she looked across at her friend, her lip trembling. "I still love him Dix" she whispered.

"Oh sweetheart I know." Dixie glanced sideways and smiled sadly at her friend. "You haven't stopped mentioning him since you got here."

"What sort of fuck up am I Dix? The fucking irony. All those years I spent pretending Mark _wasn't_ abusing me. Iain goes someway to building my confidence back up again and when things start to go wrong I pretend that Mark _was_ abusing me" The tears were streaming down her face now and, finally, with the confirmation of her friend's abusive marriage, Dixie struggled to not follow suit.

"Look if you need to stop and get some fresh air just say the word darling. We're doing what we can for Iain, for everyone, by just getting there but… well… we've still got two hours sitting in this car together. If you want to talk to me about it I'm not going anywhere. I'm no expert but this has obviously never stopped eating you up from the inside. And it isn't going to stop if you keep it all bottled up. Why don't you try me? Tell me anything. Everything. Start with you and Mark?"

Rita let her head fall back against the headrest and cast her eyes upwards in an attempt to stem the flow of tears. She knew she had to start doing things differently. She took a deep breath, pursed her lips together and nodded.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I am SO SORRY it's taken me so long to update this. I have loads more I want to write on this, some already written but life has been hectic so thank you so much if you've been patient and are still reading! I've just seen the Winter trailer and nearly changed something in this as a result... All will become clear later in the story! Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed and is still out there wanting more. Hope this OK... XxX**

* * *

 **6 hours earlier...**

Cal stumbled across the ambulance bays. His eyes and ears still adjusting to the chaos in front of him. He became aware of a bundle of clothes on the ground in front of him and frowned as he tried to understand why someone would have left them in his path. He shook his head in an attempt the fog inside and the bundle took on a form, the garments a familiar shade, a uniform. He was next to the shape now. _Christ it's a body_. He pulled at the collar of a jacket, an arm. Revealing a dark head of hair, a bloodied face he recoiled as he recognised his colleague and friend.

"Cal, have you got this?" the voice of the senior nurse broke through Cal's thoughts. "Cal?" Urgent but calm.

"Charlie… Shit… I can't… It's… I think this is my fault" the doctor faltered.

Moments earlier Cal and his brother has been knocked off their feet by the impact. His younger sibling, ever the cautious one, had remained motionless a fraction longer than Cal was comfortable with. He'd prayed to a god he didn't believe in - _please no anyone but Ethan_ \- and was now starting to think that his negotiation might have been a touch hasty.

"This isn't your fault Cal. He was in the helicopter. God knows how but he's got himself out. You need to focus Cal. He needs you. I've got a pulse. It's weak but it's a pulse. We're looking at potential serious head trauma, crush injuries. Max! Trolley over here please quick as you can. It's Iain"

Rushing through into Resus they were met by Elle, the composure in her face faltering briefly as she recognised the battered form of the first member of team to make her feel welcome on a very stressful first day. Boy did that seem a long time ago now. The consultant instinctively reached for Iain's hand as Charlie recounted what little stats they had on their patient.

Cal was vaguely aware of Elle dismissing Charlie, telling him to get back out there, organise triaging the injured, bring some much needed calm and order to the situation. He heard Elle tell him he was to assist her. He found himself in Resus alongside Iain though he had no recollection of how he got there.

Elle was starting a primary survey. Familiar terms washed over him. Robyn already setting about the tasks she'd been allocated, blades making easy work of layers of paramedic green as she exposed an arm for drawing blood.

"Cal...? Doctor Knight!" Elle's voice brought him back to his senses once more. "We're going to need a head-to-pelvis CT but I'm concerned about his respiratory effort. Can you have a listen please?"

Within an instant Cal had his stethoscope plugged into his ears, leaning closer to his colleague as he moved the instrument over his chest. Grimacing he straightened up informing the senior doctor they were going to have to perform a chest drain for a right side pneumothorax. As he readied the equipment next to the patient Iain started to groan. Cal leant into him once more.

"Iain mate it's Cal. You're in Resus. You were in a… the helicopter came down mate. God knows how you got out. Pig stubborn with a thick skull probably…" Iain's eyes were open now. Green flecked with orange staring in the doctor's direction. Staring not at him but through him. Cal flinched as Iain grabbed at his hand.

"Why she's not coming back?" He rasped urgently. Confusion flickered across Cal's face.

"Where is she? She said she was only going to the shops. Where is she Hannah?" Iain's eyes were desperately searching Cal's face now.

"Hanna-?" he started but the conversation had to wait as Iain started straining to get up.

"No, no, no you don't Iain. You've got a collapsed lung and god knows what else. Don't fight me you idiot!" Cal was practically shouting while he tried to restrain the man and suddenly Iain started to gulp for breath. "Elle can you take over the procedure? I think it's best if I hold him down"

Robyn watched the events unfold on autopilot. So far she'd managed to block from her mind that the man she was treating was a colleague and friend. It was crucial Iain stayed still for this and she watched Elle and Cal struggle feeling powerless to help. A memory of her former boss flashed through her mind, not surprisingly given who the patient was, but it was exactly what was needed to snap the young nurse back into action. She moved to the top of Iain's bed, to where Cal was gripping his right arm to keep it above his head. Instinctively she slipped her hand into Iain's, squeezing reassurance.

"Iain it's ok. I'm here" she whispered softly, her thumb rubbing circles on the back of Iain's hand

"Hannah?"

"Iain it's ok. You're with the doctors. You just need to stay very still. They want to help you. I'm not going anywhere. You're okay"

Elle smiled up at Robyn encouragingly. It was working, Iain's eyes seemed to glaze over as his body visibly relaxed. His heaving chest also calming as the consultant successfully completed her work. Robyn glanced up at the monitor, her eyes widening seconds before the shrill electronic bleeps alerted the rest of the room what she'd observed. She reacted first.

"He's in VF"

"Cal start compressions"

It was only a matter of seconds but felt like forever to the blonde doctor. His own chest heaving with the physical effort of first one cycle. No pulse. A second cycle.

"Iain mate. Come on. Don't do this"

Nothing. Catching his breath while the defib whirred up to the correct voltage.

"Shocking"

Iain's helpless body thrown up from the bed with the charge. A deafening silence. Cal didn't hear it at first but the slow rhythmic beep started to infiltrate his thoughts only after he acknowledged the relieved smiles spreading on the faces of his female colleagues.

"Back in sinus rhythm"

Iain's eyes opened and he stared around his surroundings once more. He looked terrified, _like a little boy lost_ Robyn thought as she reached for his hand once more.

"Why is she not here? I've got to find her" his voice was a cracked whisper but the agitation was obvious. Eyes darting, shoulders tense. "I've got to make sure she's okay"

"Hannah?" Robyn offered helpfully.

Iain looked at her with what looked like disgust and snatched his hand away.

"Hannah?" Iain echoed. "That has got nothing to do with you!" he hissed "Get off me I need to find her!"

"Iain mate you've got to calm down. Let us treat you. You've been in a serious accident we need to get you to CT!" Cal was physically restraining him once more as he spoke.

"This is ridiculous" Elle spoke calmly. "They won't take him like this. I feel we've no option but to sedate him. His heart has already failed once. I won't have it happen on my watch. Doctor Knight are you in agreement?"

Cal tightened his grip on Iain's arms and nodded reluctantly. They had no choice.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Again MASSIVE apologies for the delay in updating this - it's hard to find guilt-free time to update this with house renovations and 2 little ones to look after but this story and others are constantly niggling away in my brain so I do always get there eventually. I hope there are still people reading out there, thanks for your kind reviews as always. I had to cut this chapter down so already have content for the next update as a result. Hopefully I'll be much speedier posting it! Part of the problem with this chapter is needing to include medical detail - I know I'm not great at that - I try not to get too bogged down with the science whilst not dumbing it down too much but find it a hard balance to achieve. It wont stand up to in depth scrutiny I'm sure but hopefully that doesn't take a way from the story. Enough waffle, here you go... x**

* * *

The ice cold water hit her face and she gasped. Dixie had fought her body's urge to simultaneously retch, scream and cry and somehow managed to convince it to carry her to the privacy of the restroom. Here the tears had fallen freely as she clung to the sink. How had she been so blind to her friend's suffering? She'd not known Rita when that monster had made her everyday a living hell but she should have seen the grip the past still had on her. She'd met Mark once, he was a big guy. Whatever physical strength she'd always credited her petite friend with she wouldn't have stood a chance against him and the thought of the mis-match in the situations Rita had described was making her flesh crawl. Everything made sense now: she'd not been the only one to notice the barriers Rita put up between herself and others, how fiercely protective she was of suspected abuse victims, and, for so long, the lack of relationships given that according to more than just Dixie, she was easily one of the most eligible women in the entire hospital.

She wanted this to be something she could shake from her mind, wake up and find that it was the stuff of nightmares but the appalling reality was that her friend had been living with this nightmare for years. She'd seen enough patients who'd suffered at the hands of violent partners. Finding out this had happened much closer to home was making her sick to her stomach. The drinking. The abuse. The…" Dixie was spared recalling the most horrific details of Rita's past by an urgent knock at the door.

"Dix? Are you ok in there?" Rita's voice was gentle, concerned.

"Pull yourself together Kathleen come on!" Dixie hissed a reprimand to herself as her parents might once have done before emerging slowly from the room. Rita's face fell as she registered immediately that her friend had been crying.

"Dix I'm so sorry. You should have stopped me going on when all this time Iain could be…" Dixie raised her hand to stop her.

"I'm the one that should be sorry Reet, I…" But the younger woman shook her head and held her arms out to her friend. In the tightness of their embrace both felt the shaky breaths of the other. Rita kissed the side of her friend's head.

"Thank you" she whispered. "I should have opened up about this a long time ago. I get that now. But I don't want this being a burden to you. Not today. We've got more important things to do right?"

Dixie sniffed and nodded against her friend's shoulder before pulling away. She gratefully took the hand that Rita held out to her and squeezed it gently. That one action conveying the solidarity between them, both acutely aware that they might be needing all their strength for what lay at the end of their journey. Fingers intertwined, the pair headed wordlessly back to the car.

* * *

The scene that greeted them at the ED was more Hollywood than Holby. And not in a good way. They picked past rubble, police and recovery vehicles before using their knowledge of the layout of the place to gain access through a service door that wasn't cordoned off.

For Rita, the interior was worse. She'd handled the most chaotic of days inside that place: not being able to move for agitated waiting patients, even stepping in to prevent the odd riot, but she'd never seen it like this before. Practically deserted of people. Lights dimmed, fittings hanging down and creaking. Bags, coats, crosswords all abandoned on plastic seats.

Her vision started to swim as she saw Charlie head towards them, his hands clutching a tray of bloods. It was Dixie who managed to speak.

"Charlie... Is he here?" Is he…?" Her voice was barely more than a whisper. The pair saw the elderly nurse take a deep breath and braced themselves.

"He's in small resus. I'm afraid it's pretty serious. He's had surgery to relieve pressure on his brain and he arrested before he went up."

A gasp was audible from one of the women. They clutched at each other's hands as Charlie's words hit home. Their eyes frantically searching his face for information he knew he didn't have.

"I know they've treated a pneumothorax and are suspecting numerous broken ribs amongst other things but it's Cal, Elle and Robyn who've been treating him. Why don't you go through and I'll get one of them to come and talk you through the details?" The pair nodded tentatively and, sensing hesitation, Charlie continued "It means a lot that you both came. It will mean a lot to Iain" Rita cast her eyes down to the floor "Rita… It will mean a lot that you _both_ came." The younger woman somehow managed a half smile only wishing she could share Charlie's optimism.

Rita stopped dead as soon as they'd entered the room. Her vision tunnelled alarmingly: walls, equipment, shelving blurring out of view until all she could see was the motionless figure in the bed in front of her. She'd not seen Iain in weeks, had wondered whether she ever would again, yet now, now she'd never felt further away from him. As Dixie rushed to his side, Rita again questioned again her right to be there both as someone close to Iain and as a nurse. Tears pricked at her eyes as the reality fully hit her that currently she was neither.

Rita's thoughts were broken as she became aware of someone enter the room behind her. She turned and stared at the nurse who'd just appeared. The Asian woman seemed familiar but Rita was sure she'd never worked with her before.

"I… I'm just here to do Mr Dean's obs" she announced hesitantly at no one in particular. Rita stepped out of the way to let her past.

"Iain" she found herself stating quietly.

"Sorry what?" The nurse turned to face the younger blonde woman.

"Iain" Rita repeated. "Mr Dean. He's called Iain"

"Oh right" the nurse barely registered as she finished her updates on Iain's notes. Her momentary frown didn't go unnoticed by Dixie who was closer to the woman.

"Is there a problem?" She enquired.

"Um. His pulse. I think I'll need to get a doctor…"

Rita stepped forward, slowly regaining her footing after a quick glance at the monitor.

"He's not brachycardic" she began. "The doctors must be stretched enough with this…" Rita gestured vaguely behind her at the rest of the ED "You don't need to bother them just for that"

"Sorry? Look I'm not sure if you're qualified or what but he does have an extremely low heart rate" the nurse said, a slight irritation as well as panic obvious in her tone.

"He's fit… umm… physically fit I mean, military background. Resting heart rate less than 50…" Rita's voice tailed off. Closing her eyes, a single tear spilled down her cheek as she thought of how many times she'd listened to that reassuring thud. Fallen asleep smiling, her head on his chest, as the steady rhythm returned regardless of what dizzy heights they'd both just reached. Resting against him had made her feel safer than she'd ever done in her life. She felt a physical ache inside as she thought of how many pieces that strong chest might now be broken into.

"If you could… When they're free… We'll wait here but if someone could come and let us know how the surgery went?" She called after the departing nurse who silently nodded her agreement before pushing out through the doors.

Rita stooped to pick up Iain's notes from the end of the bed, the tremble in her hands obvious as she grasped the edges of the clipboard.

"Why don't I go and see if I can find us both a coffee eh kid?" Dixie suggested softly "I won't be long" She gave Rita's arm a gentle squeeze before she too headed out of the room.

Rita scanned the notes in front of her, suddenly finding calm in interpreting the stats, the assessments and the handwriting of the neuro surgeon and her former colleagues. Replacing the clipboard she allowed herself to look at Iain properly for the first time, her shoulders heaved involuntarily as she felt all the momentary professional detachment drain from her. Rita saw past the bandaged head, the bloodied face, the monitor wires. She just saw the way his dark lashes rested against his skin, the fullness of his lips, slightly parted. She knew now he was sedated not just as result of surgery but as a precaution due to the extremely agitated state he'd presented in but all she could see was a man sleeping peacefully, a sight she'd woken up next to so many times she'd dared to dream she might always be able to. She swallowed as she thought again of everything that had happened that meant that hadn't remained a reality.

Without thinking Rita reached forward and took Iain's hand, lowering herself into the chair next to him.

"Iain I'm so sorry" she whispered as she tucked her feet underneath her on the chair. "I know you're probably still angry with me but I had to come y'know. You're going to be alright. We need you to be alright me and Dix… I never got the chance to try and explain. I always assumed I would I… and then something like this happens and oh Iain. It's all such a mess…" she finished as she rubbed her forehead with her hand.

"Rita?"

She lifted her head at the sound of the familiar voice, glad of some distraction from the thoughts she was currently drowning in.

Cal stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed taking in his former colleagues bloodshot eyes and her shaky intake of breath as she turned to face him.

"Is...is there any update?" she asked fearfully, her voice barely above a whisper. Sliding her hand away from where she held Iain's in a vain hope that the doctor wouldn't have noticed, wouldn't question her right to be here any further than it probably already would be. If he saw he didn't mention it, the doctor himself no stranger to unexpected outpouring of emotion when loved ones were hurt.

"I don't know anything more I'm sorry" he began softly. "Rita it's good to see you I mean… Not like this… But.. Well… You left without saying goodbye…" He stopped seeing pain flash across the woman's face.

"Cal I…"

"No I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that, you don't need this, not with…" He gestured towards Iain.

"No you're right. I'm sorry… I messed up Cal, and it was time… I needed to get away" she looked up to the ceiling to try and stop the prick of tears in her eyes. "Look if you're wondering…" She started trying to explain but the doctor cut her off.

"You don't have to explain anything to me but… and I'm.. I'm not sure how to tell you this… Iain before we sedated him… He was asking for his girlfriend"

The word hit Rita like a physical blow and she recoiled from Iain's side, pushing herself up to standing. She stared wide-eyed at Cal, cursing herself for not even stopping to think.

"Oh god Cal I'm such an idiot! I didn't know, how would I have known? Does she… Does she know?" Rita felt her heart being ripped from her chest all over again.

Cal observed his former colleague sympathetically, noticing the way she bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling. He had no idea what she must be going through and no idea how to help her. The only thing he knew was that she deserved the facts.


End file.
